Fast-Food Knockout

Not Me

It was Halloween of 2001 and I needed a costume.  I’d been growing out my hair for over a year and it was as big as it ever had been (and ever would be).  It was a total white-boy afro.

So I got an idea.  I brushed my hair out really big and sprayed it red.  I found this amazing yellow jumpsuit at the thrift store and some red and white striped tights.  Some pancake makeup and – poof! – I was Ronald McDonald.

The night before Halloween my friend had a party.  I passed out lollipops and everyone was impressed with my level of creepiness.

I got incredibly drunk.  I ended up wandering around campus with a non-costumed friend, getting attention from everyone we passed.  We stumbled into a random house party.  Nobody was wearing a costume except me.  They were having a fight club.  The living room was full of people crammed against the walls and along the staircase, all egging on two tough-looking girls who were boxing in the middle of the room.

There was a lull in the action and people started asking who was going to go next.  Somebody said, “Ronald McDonald!” and then others took up the chant.  Fifty people were demanding my presence in the ring – there was no getting out of it.  Fortunately I was trashed enough to put on my game face instead of running for my life.  I slipped on the boxing gloves and got in the middle with a tall, vaguely scary-looking dude.

I know that I threw at least two punches, and if memory serves, one of them actually landed.  As it was, though, I was mainly on the receiving end, and after a particularly potent hit right in the middle of my face, I went down.  Everyone cheered.

I stumbled home.  There was blood on my white clown gloves.  My friend said I’d done better he’d thought I would.  “I thought it was going to end really badly,” he said.  “That guy wanted to fuck you up.”

Once my hangover wore off I too could appreciate the fact that I’d gotten out of there alive.  And I figured I’d given the party a little extra jolt of fun and excitement.  I mean, who doesn’t want to see Ronald McDonald get his ass knocked to the floor?