This isn’t going to be one of those stories.

You know that kind of story. The kind of story where some teenager with a fourteen-foot cock bangs his older brother and then all the neighborhood kids and Justin Timberlake join in.

Read “What’s Up, Dude?” by jpm 770

But times change and my newest sweetheart is a young man I discovered the other day while trolling XTube. His name is Shane, and he’s featured on a site previously unknown to me, Dixter.com. The site actually seems pretty great, and I’ll be able to verify that in a few days since I just plunked down the money for a goddamn one-month membership. It was all for Shane, of course…sigh…

Shane embodies an aspect of eroticism that’s been on my mind lately – he’s an exhibitionist. He also shows off his ass a lot. He gets off so much on showing his ass, that in his first video, he cums pretty much spontaneously just from spreading his cheeks. Jeezus.

Aside from that, he just seems like such a nice guy…sigh…

UPDATE for 2010: I was thinking of this post the other day because I came across a new collection of Old Reliable photos, which features Blake, my old porn crush, on the cover! I need this book!

Ain't he adorable?

Most TV shows are after the unexpected. They want to create that water cooler moment that brings you back the next week, still buzzing about what you saw before. John Locke was in a wheelchair. Livia Soprano takes out a hit on her son. Michael Scott drives a car into a lake. The secretary runs over the new guy’s foot with a lawn tractor. All of these moments – good and bad – traffic in that instant when you gasp in shock and awe, amazed by the way the storyteller led you away from what you expected and toward something else entirely. Being surprised by a story is one of the most basic of human thrills. But I don’t think it should be the only thing we build our stories off of. The more storytellers try to surprise the audience, the more the audience goes in always expecting to be surprised. But stories can do other things as well. They can move us or comfort us. They can create a way for us to re-hear truths we’ve long believed. They can reflect our lives as they’re really lived. Surprise is a great tool, but it often seems like the only tool TV fans and critics value anymore. There’s something to be said for a story that holds a mirror up to our own flaws and emotions and says, “We know how this feels, too.”

Todd VanDerWerff on “Huge”

But seriously, I had a great time writing this – thanks to all who voted and hope you enjoy.

Another Backwoods illustration detail, cause it’s Saturday. Michael’s sent me five by now, all are fantastic, and more are on the way…

As I said, normally I would be all over this fellow, but he was Kathy’s boyfriend still (they always got back together eventually-I think she liked to give her vag a break for a week or so). I told him to calm down, that he was drunk, to quit being silly. He told me that he knew I was gay, that we had some friends in common that I did not know about. Besides, it had been over a week for him and he was horny. And Kath wouldn’t know unless I told her about it. And besides, when else would I have an opportunity to play with something like what he had to offer?

Read “Kathy’s Boyfriend” by Expat Stud

more…

I picked up Paranoid Park (the novel) at my local library and read through it quickly. I was kind of astounded by it. Not only does it tell an honest, authentic teen story; but the ending is audacious to the point of almost being sadistic. I don’t want to give anything away, but suffice to say Nelson trades a satisfying resolution for something much more hard edged. It’s a perfect ending, and it’s really brave of Nelson to see it through.

Since then I’ve read his Rock Star Superstar and now I’m starting on Prom Anonymous. It’s all pretty great stuff. Nelson allows his characters to behave like actual teenagers – they drink, they have sex, and they don’t suffer (or prosper) for this.

Now, I just finished watching “High School Musical.” I’m always interested in musicals and how this ever-enduring genre evolves. I rented “High School Musical” partially under the guise of watching it with my six-year-old charge. She lost interest about halfway through, so I sent her to her room to play while her dad and I watched it to the end – occasionally cringing, more often than not failing to suppress a smile.

I liked it, even if the singing was lousy (invasion of the electro-voiced robo-teens) and the message was trite. But hey, what can you really expect from a Disney movie filmed entirely on location in Utah? Male nudity? Gay characters?

On second thought…

We do get to see Zach Ephron with his shirt off – and he looks good. It seems the scene was put it with the principle purpose of showing off his body (and though his dad/coach never got naked, he was certainly something to see, too – Lord help me, but I don’t think I (or my porno director friend, for that matter) have ever contemplated a double-threat dad/coach character). The female lead was allowed to move and flirt suggestively. Call me naive, but I was actually surprised to see armpit hair (on the boys) and a locker room scene full of towel-clad boys. No wonder the film is so popular – no, seriously. These tiny touches of authenticity matter.

And then there’s the matter of Drama Boy, the school’s reigning musical star who likes to wear stylish newsboy caps and matching shirts. “Are we being ‘punk’d'? Are we gonna get to meet Ashton?!” he squeals at one point, and pink flags went up in my mind. I’m not the only one – this is from the blog Jere-Rigged [note: link/post gone as of 8/2010]:

The movie missed a great opportunity of pairing him [Drama Boy] with one of the basketball players, who is also pretty obviously closeted. Gay Basketball Player is given a really empty crush and unrequited pursuit of Drama Girl … There’s a nice moment at the end where Gay Basketball Player bakes Drama Girl some cookies to show his affection…she couldn’t care less, but who takes the cookies? Why, Drama Boy, of course. I’m guessing I wasn’t the only one to pick up the subtext, because there’s a weird tacked on coda at the end of the movie in which Drama Girl finally does come around and seems to fall for the guy. It felt like someone at Disney panicked and decided that this story was just a little too gay for their tastes.

I couldn’t agree more – the coda was weird and totally out of place [it should be noted that the Gay Basketball Player is especially proud of his crème brûlée]. There’s also a baby-dyke piano player and lots of fresh-faced singing and dancing teens, make of them what you will.

At any rate, it was nice to see some of this stuff where I never expected it. If only they could’ve gone all the way, bringing subtexts to the forefront, dealing with teens in the same way Blake Nelson does. Then young viewers could have had a movie that actually meant something to them instead of this bright, polite diversion.
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p.s. – one of my favorite journalists, NY Times TV writer Virginia Heffernan, has this to say:

There’s only so much cutesiness a sane adult can stand close-up, even given how bitter that adult inevitably sounds when bashing a successful commercial venture. Hating a phenomenon like “High School Musical” no longer makes you appear tasteful. It makes you seem stupid, as if you hated all of market capitalism, or all winners.

Anyway, the Stifler story is already a quarter of the way written, and I have a good feeling about it. It’s making me laugh, at least. These celebrity/slash fiction pieces are the most fun to write, mainly because I don’t have to come up with the characters. Hell, I can basically plagiarize Wikipedia:

Stifler is a popular, confident, oversexed jock. He can be a bully and a prankster, but is always good natured. He is known to have had many sexual partners, with 23 acts of sexual intercourse and at least one act of oral sex in his freshman year of college alone.

Done and DONE.

In related news, it seems our beloved SWS has gained some weight. It’s okay with me – I’m sure his ass is just that much more succulent.

I was asked at lunch today who or what I worshipped. The question was asked sincerely, and in the same spirit I responded that I worshipped whatever there might be outside knowledge. I worship the void. The mystery.

–Roger Ebert

Read some of the bullshit on these cups.  Caribou Coffee has this trash printed all over the window of their store, which I walk by most everyday.  It never fails to fill me with rage:  ”Give your change to charity,”  ”Plant lots of trees,” “Have a favorite charity,” “Indulge in CHOCOLATE therapy.”  The one I saw this morning – “Build communities, not empires” – made me want to smash their windows and spray-paint that very phrase on the side of the building.

I take full responsibility for my choices as a consumer.  I’m well aware that I’m not doing anybody any good by giving my money to Starbucks, Target, McDonalds, etc.  But don’t fucking patronize me with your corporate PR bullshit affirmations.  I will never drink your moose piss coffee.